I'm struggling with my empathic abilities. OK...I'm not Troi in Star Trek feeling unfettered emotions but I do feel pain of others pretty palpably. When there is emotion surrounding me I absorb it. In so many ways it is a blessing...to empathize with world problems and tragedies...to empathize with family and friends when things are tough. I think it makes me compassionate and an easy person with whom one can share sorrows and struggles. But its also a curse. Those emotions, if I am not careful, blow me away and bowl me over making it a struggle to actually accomplish anything because I am emotionally distracted.
I guess in some ways I should be grateful I feel ANYTHING...for years I felt nothing. I hid tons away because I was hiding my identity and didn't want any chinks in the armor to reveal I was not the straight happy woman I projected. I was a lesbian and wasn't ready to deal with that part of myself. So the fact I allow myself to feel is good. But I can't continue to to absorb the emotions of everyone around me as it immobilizes me. I also have to learn how to partition my own emotions to some extent so that when I am struggling with my own stuff I can set aside the challenges for a time when I can deal with them so I can be productive and do what I need to do. This has been a problem for a long time and I have to find a way to address this or it could be my downfall.
Part of my own work is to focus on returning to inner calm, even when I am in the midst of chaos. To learn how to calm my emotions and stay centered and productive. I haven't felt centered in a long time and I can see I am on the cusp of it. I love my friends who are always there to love and support me. I am reminded of this every day and I am very grateful. I am struggling now to internalize what I know in my head...that I have everything I need...that I am perfect in this moment, and that I am smart, and funny, and sexy, and charming and that I deserve the best of everything. Really, what more could I want...I have great kids...a house with a roof over my head...a car, a motorcycle...I have two dogs...amazing friends, and a best friend I love to death. I am happy.
Last night I decided to take to heart self-nurturance...I soaked in the tub with a candle and incense. Then I played meditation music and just sat there very present and loving the warmth of the tub and the smell of incense. Then I sat down and wrote a poem I had been working in my head for a few months. It was sort of in the background but I needed to get it on paper. Its pretty good actually...sensual...full of imagery. Its nice that I think my poems get better the more I write. I have another I want to write but I'm not in the right place right now to let that one happen I don't think. I'm not quite centered...not quite in the right place to let that one flow. But its there and I'm collecting ideas and thoughts and emotions and putting them on paper to aid in its construction at a later date.
These next few months are going to be amazing...I know it and I feel it. I know I'm on the cusp of something really beautiful and I can't wait to watch it unfold. I want to be the whole person I was a few years ago. My soul feels sort of warn torn and ravaged and I want to be ever so gentle with it so it will heal and allow me to continue to grow as a person.
I can't wait to explore!
No comments:
Post a Comment