I made the decision after my last breakup that I was going to take some time for me...a long time...at least a year! While this is the first day I am blogging about it, I've been at this for about a month and a half. Actually I broke up with my girlfriend on January 29th but my best friend Rox and I decided that February 1st the count began! One year for me...rebuilding, renewing, reconnecting with my core...with the person I have been in the past but lost in the last few years. We made a bet...she is joining me in this journey...1 year of no "dating"...no looking for relationships...just one year for us to explore ourselves individually! If I make it and she doesn't...she owes me a magnum of fine red wine. Vice versa, I'd owe her a magnum of champagne. If we both make it...we reward ourselves with a two week trip to Tuscany so we can drink all the sparkling wine and red wine to our hearts content...together, having rebuilt, renewed and reconnected with ourselves!
Why this journey? Well, I left my husband of 8 1/2 years in December 2003...I had come out as a lesbian and realized life was too short to waste it in a relationship that was not rewarding for either of us. As I left him, I got involved with an amazing woman. Yes, she had her flaws, but we connected at the cellular level...spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually...it was a dream come true. I had always been envious of all my friends who said they had met their soulmate and were deliriously happy. I never felt that...I had suspected for a long time WHY that might be...yes, I was married to a man when I should've been with a woman...so when I met J and we connected as we did it was truly magical and "the real deal". But then, as it always does in these too good to be true love stories, tragedy struck...she had a stroke, and while she was in her most vulnerable state, was influenced by others who I believe encouraged her to end our relationship. Mind you, it was not an easy set up that we had. She lived in Ohio and for most of our relationship, I lived in upstate NY. The summer she had her stroke, I had just moved to the STL area. I had wanted us to be closer but it was something she struggled with...she wanted to still live in OH and she also owned property in CO so we had a long distance relationship. I accepted that and respected that. But it was hard...but it became impossible after the stroke for me to be with her the way I wanted to be. I had a life in STL and I wanted her to be with me but all the people surrounding her made the decision she should be in MA near her family for her recovery and that was the end. I wasn't with her when she had the stroke and couldn't be with her right away after the stroke because my highest priority as always was my children. The situation was set up the way she wanted...independence and dual residencies and a relationship with me...but the downside was when a crisis arrived, the distance was now a disadvantage and was the slippery slope that led to the end of the relationship.
I was devastated to say the least...devastated...I stopped eating for almost a month...lost 35-40 pounds rather quickly...I was barely existing but I did survive. And then I met someone new...but I realize now I never really fully mourned that relationship outside of being in a new relationship. I suspect if I had been in my right mind when I entered that next relationship I would not have stayed as long as I did. I was in the next relationship for 3 1/2 years. She had been abused as a child...awful, egregious...and it had a profound impact on her and her ability to just cope with challenges that were presented to her. The relationship was phenomenal in the beginning but when faced with crises she was not able to cope...she fell apart...she had a break down and pulled further and further away from me. And then the emotional abuse was awful...me...the kids. The last straw for me was when she was shaking my daughter in her chair, accusing her of overreacting to something when all she did was politely tell her that she didn't need her help with homework any more because I had helped her. I screamed...I was done...when I told her the behavior felt abusive, she shut down and would not address the issue. The relationship had been over for awhile...7 -8 months before it actually ended she made some choices that showed me she wasn't really invested in us. I hung on for a few more months to see if things would shift and when they didn't and then the issue with my daughter I left.
Not long after that I met someone new. I really didn't want a new relationship, I wasn't ready. But we started chatting and realized we had a lot in common and she was so different than the last girlfriend and much more like, or so I thought, my first girlfriend. So I leapt with the promise to take things slower. And I continued to be very mindful of not being a pushover but being willing to take things slowly...an unusual move in the lesbian community that prides itself in the old joke "what does a lesbian bring on a second date...? A UHAUL!!" And it was good for awhile. But things bubbled up pretty quickly...neediness, irrational expectations that were never communicated and then meltdowns when I failed to meet the mysterious expectations. I was straight forward...told her what was NOT acceptable...told her I didn't want the same conversation over and over again...and it never changed. The neediness got worse...I worked hard to make changes but I was clear what I had time for and she was never satisfied...it was never enough. So I ended it on the 29th...and here I am.
I have been in a relationship NON-STOP since 1989...can you imagine?? Brief interludes in between the four relationships I've had but basically it was non-stop. So I'm taking a year for me...to focus on me...to focus on losing weight...to focus on better managing my money...to focus on being a better mom...to focus on getting tenure so I can put that hideous journey behind me! One year...and then I'll decide from there what will come next! I'm excited and I'm glad to have this blog to work through these issues...just one day at a time.
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