I'm struggling with my empathic abilities. OK...I'm not Troi in Star Trek feeling unfettered emotions but I do feel pain of others pretty palpably. When there is emotion surrounding me I absorb it. In so many ways it is a blessing...to empathize with world problems and tragedies...to empathize with family and friends when things are tough. I think it makes me compassionate and an easy person with whom one can share sorrows and struggles. But its also a curse. Those emotions, if I am not careful, blow me away and bowl me over making it a struggle to actually accomplish anything because I am emotionally distracted.
I guess in some ways I should be grateful I feel ANYTHING...for years I felt nothing. I hid tons away because I was hiding my identity and didn't want any chinks in the armor to reveal I was not the straight happy woman I projected. I was a lesbian and wasn't ready to deal with that part of myself. So the fact I allow myself to feel is good. But I can't continue to to absorb the emotions of everyone around me as it immobilizes me. I also have to learn how to partition my own emotions to some extent so that when I am struggling with my own stuff I can set aside the challenges for a time when I can deal with them so I can be productive and do what I need to do. This has been a problem for a long time and I have to find a way to address this or it could be my downfall.
Part of my own work is to focus on returning to inner calm, even when I am in the midst of chaos. To learn how to calm my emotions and stay centered and productive. I haven't felt centered in a long time and I can see I am on the cusp of it. I love my friends who are always there to love and support me. I am reminded of this every day and I am very grateful. I am struggling now to internalize what I know in my head...that I have everything I need...that I am perfect in this moment, and that I am smart, and funny, and sexy, and charming and that I deserve the best of everything. Really, what more could I want...I have great kids...a house with a roof over my head...a car, a motorcycle...I have two dogs...amazing friends, and a best friend I love to death. I am happy.
Last night I decided to take to heart self-nurturance...I soaked in the tub with a candle and incense. Then I played meditation music and just sat there very present and loving the warmth of the tub and the smell of incense. Then I sat down and wrote a poem I had been working in my head for a few months. It was sort of in the background but I needed to get it on paper. Its pretty good actually...sensual...full of imagery. Its nice that I think my poems get better the more I write. I have another I want to write but I'm not in the right place right now to let that one happen I don't think. I'm not quite centered...not quite in the right place to let that one flow. But its there and I'm collecting ideas and thoughts and emotions and putting them on paper to aid in its construction at a later date.
These next few months are going to be amazing...I know it and I feel it. I know I'm on the cusp of something really beautiful and I can't wait to watch it unfold. I want to be the whole person I was a few years ago. My soul feels sort of warn torn and ravaged and I want to be ever so gentle with it so it will heal and allow me to continue to grow as a person.
I can't wait to explore!
Monday, April 11, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Almost 2 months into it...
Thus far things are going well. I've got three things on my plate...working the diet, finding myself and dealing with the dating scene, and lastly working on my money issues.
Starting with money, getting tax money was very helpful. I've let things go a bit haywire in the last week or so. Biggest problem for me is when I don't document...when I don't write it down and when I don't put my debit card away...ARRRGH...I know it and I slipped up. So I am recommitted to doing that. A few steps forward and a few steps backwards. Its always a journey! But I'm seeing the dumb patterns which is good and of course is the goal. Mindfulness...moment by moment and day by day! So I am back to basics: cash only and putting the debit card away. The good news is that I haven't had an overdraft fee in awhile...and I want to keep it that way! I'm still unsure why this is a challenge to me but I'm going to continue to work here to figure out why there are these patterns in my life. So my next money blog will work on that.
Diet...well honestly that's been a smashing success. I am eating healthy...I have ups and downs...some days better than others but overall I continue to lose weight. I even made it through my birthday week...cake...alcohol...and STILL lost weight! Because I am mindful and watching what I eat and when I write down what I eat...DOCUMENTATION THEME...I am able to judge and adjust accordingly. 24 pounds thus far...another 16 to go would put me around 176...if I can lose another 10 after that, even better but I'd be happy at 176 really.
And the last item...finding me...dating...I really have no desire to date. I'm sort of surprised. I thought I would but I really don't and I'm aok with that. As I work out the stuff in my life...money issues, weight issues...unraveling why I struggle with those things, it is so much easier to just be at peace with me. I feel completely confident I will find someone in my future but I can't do it if I am not at peace with me and work out this shit I struggle with. Here's observation #1...when I struggle with feeling overwhelming...when I struggle with money...when I struggle with the diet...it has everything to do with documenting stuff. I have to write things down. Is it because I'm just getting so damn old...no...I think its because I have an optimistic way of recalling things. Perhaps because I think I am stronger, better or smarter than I really am...perhaps because I am human like everyone else and I simply am prone to hindsight bias or overestimation. I teach this stuff and I know all of this but sometimes its hard to admit you are prone to the same biases. So time to document...time to write things down. The hope is I can be a good role model for Margaret who ABSOLUTELY needs to write everything down.
So learning point #1...write it down.
As for the dating thing...almost two months since the break up...and I know it was the right choice and I know I'm gonna be OK.
Next entry will review how well the documentation thing is going...sometimes its hard to make so many changes but I really have to keep focused and overcome intertia...one day at a time!
Starting with money, getting tax money was very helpful. I've let things go a bit haywire in the last week or so. Biggest problem for me is when I don't document...when I don't write it down and when I don't put my debit card away...ARRRGH...I know it and I slipped up. So I am recommitted to doing that. A few steps forward and a few steps backwards. Its always a journey! But I'm seeing the dumb patterns which is good and of course is the goal. Mindfulness...moment by moment and day by day! So I am back to basics: cash only and putting the debit card away. The good news is that I haven't had an overdraft fee in awhile...and I want to keep it that way! I'm still unsure why this is a challenge to me but I'm going to continue to work here to figure out why there are these patterns in my life. So my next money blog will work on that.
Diet...well honestly that's been a smashing success. I am eating healthy...I have ups and downs...some days better than others but overall I continue to lose weight. I even made it through my birthday week...cake...alcohol...and STILL lost weight! Because I am mindful and watching what I eat and when I write down what I eat...DOCUMENTATION THEME...I am able to judge and adjust accordingly. 24 pounds thus far...another 16 to go would put me around 176...if I can lose another 10 after that, even better but I'd be happy at 176 really.
And the last item...finding me...dating...I really have no desire to date. I'm sort of surprised. I thought I would but I really don't and I'm aok with that. As I work out the stuff in my life...money issues, weight issues...unraveling why I struggle with those things, it is so much easier to just be at peace with me. I feel completely confident I will find someone in my future but I can't do it if I am not at peace with me and work out this shit I struggle with. Here's observation #1...when I struggle with feeling overwhelming...when I struggle with money...when I struggle with the diet...it has everything to do with documenting stuff. I have to write things down. Is it because I'm just getting so damn old...no...I think its because I have an optimistic way of recalling things. Perhaps because I think I am stronger, better or smarter than I really am...perhaps because I am human like everyone else and I simply am prone to hindsight bias or overestimation. I teach this stuff and I know all of this but sometimes its hard to admit you are prone to the same biases. So time to document...time to write things down. The hope is I can be a good role model for Margaret who ABSOLUTELY needs to write everything down.
So learning point #1...write it down.
As for the dating thing...almost two months since the break up...and I know it was the right choice and I know I'm gonna be OK.
Next entry will review how well the documentation thing is going...sometimes its hard to make so many changes but I really have to keep focused and overcome intertia...one day at a time!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Day 1...OK, maybe its really day 41!!
I made the decision after my last breakup that I was going to take some time for me...a long time...at least a year! While this is the first day I am blogging about it, I've been at this for about a month and a half. Actually I broke up with my girlfriend on January 29th but my best friend Rox and I decided that February 1st the count began! One year for me...rebuilding, renewing, reconnecting with my core...with the person I have been in the past but lost in the last few years. We made a bet...she is joining me in this journey...1 year of no "dating"...no looking for relationships...just one year for us to explore ourselves individually! If I make it and she doesn't...she owes me a magnum of fine red wine. Vice versa, I'd owe her a magnum of champagne. If we both make it...we reward ourselves with a two week trip to Tuscany so we can drink all the sparkling wine and red wine to our hearts content...together, having rebuilt, renewed and reconnected with ourselves!
Why this journey? Well, I left my husband of 8 1/2 years in December 2003...I had come out as a lesbian and realized life was too short to waste it in a relationship that was not rewarding for either of us. As I left him, I got involved with an amazing woman. Yes, she had her flaws, but we connected at the cellular level...spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually...it was a dream come true. I had always been envious of all my friends who said they had met their soulmate and were deliriously happy. I never felt that...I had suspected for a long time WHY that might be...yes, I was married to a man when I should've been with a woman...so when I met J and we connected as we did it was truly magical and "the real deal". But then, as it always does in these too good to be true love stories, tragedy struck...she had a stroke, and while she was in her most vulnerable state, was influenced by others who I believe encouraged her to end our relationship. Mind you, it was not an easy set up that we had. She lived in Ohio and for most of our relationship, I lived in upstate NY. The summer she had her stroke, I had just moved to the STL area. I had wanted us to be closer but it was something she struggled with...she wanted to still live in OH and she also owned property in CO so we had a long distance relationship. I accepted that and respected that. But it was hard...but it became impossible after the stroke for me to be with her the way I wanted to be. I had a life in STL and I wanted her to be with me but all the people surrounding her made the decision she should be in MA near her family for her recovery and that was the end. I wasn't with her when she had the stroke and couldn't be with her right away after the stroke because my highest priority as always was my children. The situation was set up the way she wanted...independence and dual residencies and a relationship with me...but the downside was when a crisis arrived, the distance was now a disadvantage and was the slippery slope that led to the end of the relationship.
I was devastated to say the least...devastated...I stopped eating for almost a month...lost 35-40 pounds rather quickly...I was barely existing but I did survive. And then I met someone new...but I realize now I never really fully mourned that relationship outside of being in a new relationship. I suspect if I had been in my right mind when I entered that next relationship I would not have stayed as long as I did. I was in the next relationship for 3 1/2 years. She had been abused as a child...awful, egregious...and it had a profound impact on her and her ability to just cope with challenges that were presented to her. The relationship was phenomenal in the beginning but when faced with crises she was not able to cope...she fell apart...she had a break down and pulled further and further away from me. And then the emotional abuse was awful...me...the kids. The last straw for me was when she was shaking my daughter in her chair, accusing her of overreacting to something when all she did was politely tell her that she didn't need her help with homework any more because I had helped her. I screamed...I was done...when I told her the behavior felt abusive, she shut down and would not address the issue. The relationship had been over for awhile...7 -8 months before it actually ended she made some choices that showed me she wasn't really invested in us. I hung on for a few more months to see if things would shift and when they didn't and then the issue with my daughter I left.
Not long after that I met someone new. I really didn't want a new relationship, I wasn't ready. But we started chatting and realized we had a lot in common and she was so different than the last girlfriend and much more like, or so I thought, my first girlfriend. So I leapt with the promise to take things slower. And I continued to be very mindful of not being a pushover but being willing to take things slowly...an unusual move in the lesbian community that prides itself in the old joke "what does a lesbian bring on a second date...? A UHAUL!!" And it was good for awhile. But things bubbled up pretty quickly...neediness, irrational expectations that were never communicated and then meltdowns when I failed to meet the mysterious expectations. I was straight forward...told her what was NOT acceptable...told her I didn't want the same conversation over and over again...and it never changed. The neediness got worse...I worked hard to make changes but I was clear what I had time for and she was never satisfied...it was never enough. So I ended it on the 29th...and here I am.
I have been in a relationship NON-STOP since 1989...can you imagine?? Brief interludes in between the four relationships I've had but basically it was non-stop. So I'm taking a year for me...to focus on me...to focus on losing weight...to focus on better managing my money...to focus on being a better mom...to focus on getting tenure so I can put that hideous journey behind me! One year...and then I'll decide from there what will come next! I'm excited and I'm glad to have this blog to work through these issues...just one day at a time.
Why this journey? Well, I left my husband of 8 1/2 years in December 2003...I had come out as a lesbian and realized life was too short to waste it in a relationship that was not rewarding for either of us. As I left him, I got involved with an amazing woman. Yes, she had her flaws, but we connected at the cellular level...spiritually, emotionally, physically, intellectually...it was a dream come true. I had always been envious of all my friends who said they had met their soulmate and were deliriously happy. I never felt that...I had suspected for a long time WHY that might be...yes, I was married to a man when I should've been with a woman...so when I met J and we connected as we did it was truly magical and "the real deal". But then, as it always does in these too good to be true love stories, tragedy struck...she had a stroke, and while she was in her most vulnerable state, was influenced by others who I believe encouraged her to end our relationship. Mind you, it was not an easy set up that we had. She lived in Ohio and for most of our relationship, I lived in upstate NY. The summer she had her stroke, I had just moved to the STL area. I had wanted us to be closer but it was something she struggled with...she wanted to still live in OH and she also owned property in CO so we had a long distance relationship. I accepted that and respected that. But it was hard...but it became impossible after the stroke for me to be with her the way I wanted to be. I had a life in STL and I wanted her to be with me but all the people surrounding her made the decision she should be in MA near her family for her recovery and that was the end. I wasn't with her when she had the stroke and couldn't be with her right away after the stroke because my highest priority as always was my children. The situation was set up the way she wanted...independence and dual residencies and a relationship with me...but the downside was when a crisis arrived, the distance was now a disadvantage and was the slippery slope that led to the end of the relationship.
I was devastated to say the least...devastated...I stopped eating for almost a month...lost 35-40 pounds rather quickly...I was barely existing but I did survive. And then I met someone new...but I realize now I never really fully mourned that relationship outside of being in a new relationship. I suspect if I had been in my right mind when I entered that next relationship I would not have stayed as long as I did. I was in the next relationship for 3 1/2 years. She had been abused as a child...awful, egregious...and it had a profound impact on her and her ability to just cope with challenges that were presented to her. The relationship was phenomenal in the beginning but when faced with crises she was not able to cope...she fell apart...she had a break down and pulled further and further away from me. And then the emotional abuse was awful...me...the kids. The last straw for me was when she was shaking my daughter in her chair, accusing her of overreacting to something when all she did was politely tell her that she didn't need her help with homework any more because I had helped her. I screamed...I was done...when I told her the behavior felt abusive, she shut down and would not address the issue. The relationship had been over for awhile...7 -8 months before it actually ended she made some choices that showed me she wasn't really invested in us. I hung on for a few more months to see if things would shift and when they didn't and then the issue with my daughter I left.
Not long after that I met someone new. I really didn't want a new relationship, I wasn't ready. But we started chatting and realized we had a lot in common and she was so different than the last girlfriend and much more like, or so I thought, my first girlfriend. So I leapt with the promise to take things slower. And I continued to be very mindful of not being a pushover but being willing to take things slowly...an unusual move in the lesbian community that prides itself in the old joke "what does a lesbian bring on a second date...? A UHAUL!!" And it was good for awhile. But things bubbled up pretty quickly...neediness, irrational expectations that were never communicated and then meltdowns when I failed to meet the mysterious expectations. I was straight forward...told her what was NOT acceptable...told her I didn't want the same conversation over and over again...and it never changed. The neediness got worse...I worked hard to make changes but I was clear what I had time for and she was never satisfied...it was never enough. So I ended it on the 29th...and here I am.
I have been in a relationship NON-STOP since 1989...can you imagine?? Brief interludes in between the four relationships I've had but basically it was non-stop. So I'm taking a year for me...to focus on me...to focus on losing weight...to focus on better managing my money...to focus on being a better mom...to focus on getting tenure so I can put that hideous journey behind me! One year...and then I'll decide from there what will come next! I'm excited and I'm glad to have this blog to work through these issues...just one day at a time.
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